WHAT WILL I DO WHEN YOU ARE FAR AWAY?

Every important moment in my life has had singing and music intermingled with the joy or surprise or pain created. My dad was a barber shopper. I sang in many choruses and a few jazz groups. My sisters can take over a wedding in no time flat. When in doubt, sing.
So, when the moment came to let them unplug my sweet Neil from the machines that were keeping him with me, I sang. I didn't want him to leave in silence, just in case he was still way down in there.
I told him that I love him and to not be scared, but felt inadequate to say the profound things I thought I aught to say. Songs are the poetry that I know, so that was my goodbye.
'What will I do when you are far away and I am blue, what'll I do...What will I do with just a photograph to tell my secrets to. When I'm alone with only dreams of you that won't come true, what'll I do?'.Those were the words that described the pain in my heart the best. Thank you to the person who wrote it.
Neil's sudden illness and week in a coma left me broke and alone. My wonderful Mom and sisters each pitched in to help pay for his cremation. They had never even gotten to meet him (we live on opposite coasts and that was always going to happen in some future time), but they love me and that was enough. If I love them with all my heart, I will still never love them as much as they deserve.
Neil had told me that if he died first, he wanted me to take his ashes to Yosemite. He hadn't had the happiest childhood, but had wonderful memories of camping there.
The cheapest mortuary was in the next town over, so tired, carless and lonely, I took the bus to retrieve his ashes. I remember thinking how heavy they were as I tried to fit them in my backpack. I sat on the bus, trying not to cry, on the one hand, yet longing to cry out 'The man who adored me is dead!' on the other. I wanted to warn them that the world was less now that he wasn't in it.
So many feelings... fear, pride, exhaustion, anger. I suddenly remembered about Yosemite and frantically tried to imagine how I was going to get him there. Maybe even a little out loud, I said 'even if I have to walk there, I'll get you to Yosemite someday!!!'
Since then, that promise has become a symbol of my search for what to do with life when every plan and dream has been canceled, as well as a sacred vow to the nicest man I'll ever know.
I know that this is a very long first post. If you have read this far, thank you. My intention is to post a journal entry every day, but I have had a few life lessons on intentions, so I will best say that I hope to do so.
I am interested in hearing from people of bigger wisdom than mine. I am very good at taking care of other people, but apparently not so hot at figuring out my own stuff.
I find myself aimless and out of dreams. I am interested in everything, yet enthralled by very little. I know that I was a seeker once and hope to use this journal to figure how I got here and to once again become part of the world, not just take up space in it.

Falana For Now