IN THE SPIRIT OF SHARING ~

Randy was the love of my life, at least until I met my sweet Neil some 20 years later.
High school sweethearts and to be married when he got settled in the Navy. It was the Viet Nam years and everyone was on hold, one way or the other.
Sadly, but secure in our future together, I said goodbye when he left for boot camp. We kept in touch as well as snail mail and expensive, complicated long distance allowed (no email or free anywhere cell phones in them thar days). Suddenly, nothing. The young trusting mind assumes that there is always a simple, non life shattering reason for such, but the insecure, it was too good to be true, why would he want me, chubette knew it was bad.
I knew when he was due home for leave before he shipped out, so I always had a half eye out for him around town. There he was and coming my way down New Dorp Lane...maybe it's okay, maybe he's as glad to see me...yeah, right.
"I married someone I met while I was gone, sorry. Gotta go now"
I remember going blind, I remember having a heart attack, I remember the ground opening and swallowing me whole. No such luck. The Universe never puts us out of our misery when we most need it.
Over the years I thought of Randy when I heard our song 'Somewhere' and mostly hoped he was miserable.
Cut to 20 odd years later.
My phone rang at my home in Eugene, Oregon. The woman on the other end asked me if I remembered Randy. I almost said no, but some weird events want investigation. She explained that she was his ex wife. Not the one he left me for, she apparently didn't last long. See, I thought, the Universe isn't totally unfeeling.
She went on to explain that she and Randy were still friends, but couldn't stay together. They had talked one night about why it hadn't worked out. He told her that he had lost the love of his life and didn't think he would ever be happy with anyone.
You guessed it folks, ME!
Evidently, his first wife was a one night stand whom he had banged up. In those days, you played, you payed.
As I attempted to act interested and pleasant, in my mind I was screaming 'why didn't the selfish jackass tell me?'
She wondered if I might still have feelings for him. His present lady friend, she shared, was bad news and she was worried for him. She even offered to fly him out to see me.
I explained that, though I had loved him once, I was quite happily married to a wonderful man and wished both of them good luck.
I have told that story to folks over the years since and the usual reaction is 'that's so romantic'.
My personal reaction was one of such rage that the blind, heart attack thing enjoyed a rerun. This time, however, the open ground was swallowing him.
Had I known the truth, it would have broken my heart, instead of my spirit. I spent a large hunk of my adult life thinking that I wasn't good enough for him. There is no doubt in my mind that the abusive relationship that I subjected myself to was, in many ways, a result of that experience. A feeling that there isn't anyone else who will want them is the main reason that women put up with abuse.
It's easy to say that it's better to be alone than to be beaten, but if you don't think much of yourself, that doesn't ring true. Apology love is a heady drug to someone who feels generally unlovable.
I was lucky to find enough people to love me all at once. It gave me the courage to be alone.
Okay, putting my soapbox away.

Falana For Now